A relationship...? Someone to share your  life, happiness and accomplishments with.  Trust you me, I know how you feel. I may have Jon, but do I really have him? If it makes you feel any better [which i have no idea why it would] I feel the same way only I'm not really accomplishing anything. So I'm a little worse off then you. But still, I know things will get better for the both of us, we just have to wait it out. [trust you me I am NOT looking forward to any more waiting] I feel like all Im doing is waiting and wasting all the time I could be spending LIVING.  You and me us? I dunno... You know I wouldn't let anyone take advantage of you the way I do. Haha. I'm serious though I would NOT allow any girl, no mater how much you like her, treat you like shit. You are way too good of a person, a friend and an overall really nice guy. I won't let a stupid girl hurt you. God, I sound so over-protective...it's kind of funny actually. It really depends on the girl, I generally like people, it's just i get a little....picky, I guess, when it comes to people I'm close to. And trust you me, I am close to you. I just don't want to see you end up in a relationship like Biz, and watch you go through hell just because you're sweet, ya know?  I don't want you to limit your search for a girl by thinking that she has to meet some kind of obscene standard of mine and then never end up having a girl because you don't think I'll like her...or visa versa. At people? You mean with people? Lol. You know you love my shenanigans. :) anyway, I totally understand you not being good "at" people, I didn't used to be, it's a skill that grows on you. Maybe, you know it all depends on you and how you look at things. I want my relationship right now so HE can help me focus and push some of the other not needed stresses out of my life. Maybe you just need someone/something else to help you focus or maybe not even focus maybe to veer away from concentrating so much. Just someone to help you carry the weight. 

How in the hell do I do that?! I'm not just giving you an ego boost, I'm being honest. I can't just "boost" people's egos, I'm not like that. Yeah.... -.-'  I like that face. <--- that one. over there. do you see it? It's cute, is it not? Don't lie to me you bastard!! I love writing. Does air make a "swooshing" sound when you breathe? What would be the proper description for that specific sound? Ugh. -.-' There he is again. <--- over there. YOU SIGHED AT ME?!?!?! SERIOUSLY A SIGH?!?!?! Asshat. Jon. I got Assclown from my Aunt Ej. She's totally the 'mac' to my 'cheese'. The 'hot' to my 'dog'. The toilet paper to my poo. Did you guess that I love her just a little bit? 

I love Naruto. Eye .:heart:. Naruto. I <3 Naruto. I wanna see how many different ways I can type this...apparently not very many before my ADD kicks in... I do NOT have AD...kitty!!! Silly me. Silly you. Silly us. Wait, why are we silly again? Me too, no high-five, guy-who-still-high-fives. <--- That was really annoying to type. don't make me do it again. I'll kill you. Indded? Indeed, even...haha. I think whatever that word was supposed to be died, a horrible, painful, lonely, sad, ugly death. Wow, his death really sucked. Say what you say David, but I will NEVER be tired!! Mwhahahahaha!!! Stop staring at me SWAN! Billy-fucking-Madison. Here do this math problem: Billy minus fucking equals Madison.... I love math!! yay! ;D

So I lied when I said I would never be tired...I will never EVER be tired!! What now son?! I'm really hot...I KNOW!!! STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was my boob signor! I kill you! You put your HEAD on it!! douche......bag. NO. You already ate something small. It was real wasn't it? Then it was something. .:blink blink:. HA!! I out not-tired-ed you!! Nana!! I WIN!! I are the wiener!!

And the wiener is......: KODIE!  Wiener, wiener wiener! *insert mexican hat dancing mexican here* This is what happens when I am awake for 18 hours....my head goes: BOOM. back off I has head explodey. I'm putting this in my Livejournal. Fo realzies. <--- that is a ninja term. Ninja terminology. I don't like typing the word 'terminology'. Did you notice hoe....*how I have to pause in the middle to spell it out in my head? I no likes. *frownyface* 

ps the mexican hat-dancing mexiCANT is still dancing....I think he's on drugs or something. *GASP!* He's a ROBOT! Mexican's aren't real, they are a government conspiracy theory to....ummm...well their plan wasn't very well thought out, they only got to the robot mexican part...but they'll figure it out, eventually. STOP YAWNING! FIRST SIGHING NOW YAWNING!? DICK IN A BOX! Justin Timberlake should go to prison for that... *I grab my nuts* What?! You can and I can't? *grabs my nuts again* WHATCHA GONNA DO?!?! Whine....awesome? 

Time for 'head'? No, I says, no. I no like 'head'. No to that as well. I no likes this..'fook yuu', I no likes it. Can't see!! My weenis is biting my face!! I must go, and leave you here all alone. Don't cry David, I'll be right downstairs...please stop crying...my god, why are you crying?! What in the fuck is wrong with you? Are you crying chocolate? KEEP CRYING!! Jelly bean tears would probably be more efficient. There are a MILLION flavors of jell beans. Only three flavors of chocolate. Do you see what I see? bleh. No penis. Heh, I just thought 'snow penis'. Heh. No. We makes no snow penis. Sad I know. Well I like the vagina idea, I'm sorry you've seen more penis then me... I think I've seen maybe three... but they were all on barbies. So yeah, you win the penis debacle.

YOU FLICKED ME! CAT IN THE HAT! I hate you. And that's final. Go suck a barbie penis, out of a box. It'll be Justin Timberlake's so no worries. I hear it's teeny so you won't even know. ;D Tastes like candy!

Dear God,

Please save the world. 

By killing me.

Amen.

I absolutely hate sitting down because accompanying sitting down are a various number of other things I'm not too particularly fond of. Like for instance, knee pain, I don't know about you, but I'm not a huge fan of pain but definitely not a fan at all of having more pain in places that already hurt. Also, there's thinking, not the normal 'oh I'm just using my brain' thinking, no, it's the 'I'm being entirely too overly-analytical' thinking.  It may not help that I'm listening to A Perfect Circe...

I wish I was somewhere else...I want to go race the speed of pain...

So I'm going to rant, I haven't done that in a while, I hope noone minds..

I'm currently in one [or more] of the shittiest positions ever.
I fucking hate this shit!! Why can't I just have a place to live and be moderately alright? I seriously think that the next person to come to me and complain about bullshit drama is going to get their neck split, because I can't take it anymore! I'm not a fucking priest, I'm not your goddamn confession booth where you can just blurt out all the fucked up shit in your life! I want to be my own person and not the person everyone wants me to be! Why am I always the one that people need? I mean it's great and all that people think you're reliable and they can trust you with things but do they have to throw themselves on you? I understand leaning or maybe even needing a crutch [god knows that's where I am right now], but I can't carry them like I'm the strongest person in the world, I can hardly handle the shit that's going on in my life let alone having to help everyone else with theirs! Believe me, I do ant to help, and i do care, very much, ut there is only so much I can take and only so much I can do. I know that you don't want anything from me but I feel like I'm going to explode with all the shit that's been going on lately; and quite honestly I think I would much rather explode than feel the way I've felt for the past month.

Must go. Tired.

I'm so tired and I want a cigarette really bad, but, I have to quit and I have to start now. Ugh, stupid need for stupid money. I finally saw Jon and everything went perfectly. I love him.

So a certian person I kicked out of my life face first into the dirt, came back and I decided to let it happen. I just figured that it was doing me more harm than good to not forgive her.I felt like there was something more that I was carrying around with me and it wasn't very pleasant, so lettting go of that really helped me alot. I don't have much to say I was just checkin in to say hey and let you know that everything though it blows it will get better.

:D

SO i have no idea whether or not I'm mentally stable enough to be writing anything in here tonight but I'm gonna do it anyway, YAY! I hope you don't mind my incoherent ramblings...what the fuck am I talking about? No one reads these but me, when I'm feeling exceptionally lonely or just bored outta my skull. *sigh* The disadvantages of being under privileged, haha, jaykay.

Hooray for sustaining ones self on nothing but Jalapeno Cheetos and Diet Dr Pepper! My gawd I'm going to die young...Someone quick; call Jon, tell him we need to commence the baby-making right now! In other news, no I'm not losing my mind, I'm on an epic search to find it. Hopefully [if there happens to be anyone reading this] you've figured out that this entire entry is going to be nothing but a bunch of jumbled, crazy thoughts spewing out of my head like uncontrollable projectile vomit that happens to get through the barricade you've created with your hands in a desperate attempt to conceal the vile beast behind; only, minus the nasty pukey smell and slimey vomit feeling you get directly after nearly barfing up all of your insides. Sounds like fun doesn't it? I need a therapist.

So there's this new thing called the Kodie Gay. It's not like the 'you're gay' of gays but it's like the 'whoa awesome' of the gays..please don't ask me to explain this any farther I did not make it up, David did. For more information on the koolest of gay gayness please contact David at: 1-800-4yo-mama.
P.s. Anyone from David's ward [unfortunately I'm not addressing his psych ward, sorry guys] that just happens to read this everything I just said is a lie. It's really called the "David Gay".
I'm actually on the phone with David right now, reading back everything I've typed to him and sadly he thinks it's funny, now I know I've dropped off the face of the Earth when David is the one that finds my babbling bullshit funny. Kill me. He's not really talking to me, I'm not sure why but I know it's not because of this, I think...*sigh* I'm so misunderstood.

Sit in a tree. Watch the sunset. Smile.


So I've determined that there is nothing I can do about much of anything going on in my life right now so, I have to  roll with the punches. If I ever want to reach the level of growth I'm looking to reach, I have to start doing something to make myself more comfortable in my own skin and with my own life. I'm very happy with my relationship and in it want for nothing. I'm a brilliant, beautiful girl with dreams and I plan on busting my ass to get to where I want to be.
Wow, was that confidence?!
*shakes head a little disgruntled*
Okay, moving on.

Could you sympathize with my needs, do you think I need a lot?
Keep breaking me in.
I keep twisting and spinning, I feel all your pieces.
Completely broken in.
Scared to death of death, I won't sleep again.
Keep breaking the skin.
Just to know the difference, I told the truth.
You're breaking me in.
I'm catching on, watch your back.
You're breaking the skin.
Bent, broken and bleeding.
Is this how it's going to be?
Completely broken in.

I don't even know what that was. I just felt like writing something strange.
Seriously, enter my mind:

Okay.  Remember how I moved out of my mom and step dad's house? Yeah, I'm moving back. I hate it so much, it's so hard. It was the easiest thing ever to get storm into my parent's house and get my shit and go, simply because of how badly I wanted needed to get out of there. It was definitely a good thing, but really? Talk about going all the way back to square one! This is not going to help or be good in anyway, spending this much time here really makes me hurt to remember why I wanted out of here so bad. All my bad habits are coming back and everything I thought I was ready to forget, hs decided that it's not going anywhere. I can't escape them, it's such bullshit! and they wonder why I want nothing to do with them or anything that they may do, well, let's see, who ruined my childhood and fucked me in the head for a good portion of my life? Oh, yeah, YOU did. So please, tell me why I would want to inject myself back into that type of thing? I don't, but currently I don't have a choice. Remember how I said I would rather get pneumonia from sleeping in a box in the middle of winter under an overpass than go back to my parent's house? Yeah well, it's not really winter anymore, I'm already sick with what could possibly be pneumonia, and I am back, at least until June. [I hope]. Anyways I just thought I'd post for the first time in forever. It sucked and I'm sorry, I'll try harder tomorrow.

Id like to say that everything is all fine and dandy in the world of suicide kings and blind queens but then Id be a liar and liars go to hell. So, anyway theres something Id like to say to dear friend of mine. Here it goes.

Dear friend, you know I love you more than Ive ever loved myself. You know there is nothing that I wouldnt give to be there in your arms. Youve held me through the worst and sat with me through the best and theres noone quite like you. Noone could ever be you. I see in you the places in heaven that noone could ever find. I see in you the potential of a thousand, and the heart of lion strong and pure so heres the last letter Ill ever write in our favor I think Im falling for you you. I just want to be with you. Youre my dream of an escape far beyond this place and the restrictions of my mind. Youre that place in my heart where everything starts and nothing can take that away. Ill never leave you, Ill never lie to you, Ill never break your heart. I only wish we could start. I see in you the places in heaven that noone could ever find. I see in you the potential of a thousand, the heart of a lion strong and pure. So heres the last letter Ill ever write in our favor I think Im in love with you. I just want to be with you. And who knows where this road will take us my dear friend? But I know know that where ever you go Ill be there till the end. Cause I see in you those places in heaven that noone will ever find. I see in you a light and a smile I just cant leave behind. So heres the last letter Ill ever write in our favor Im in love with you, I hope youll love me too.